Divorce & Splitting Up
Relationships between people of the same sex are subject to the same challenges and pressures as all relationships. Unfortunately, without the freedom to marry, divorce and splitting up for same-sex couples can be a huge legal mess. Disconnect between state laws and federal laws make these hard situations even more challenging.
Use the key resources below to learn more about how marriage discrimination hurts same-sex couples who are going through the painful process of splitting up.
FROM EVAN WOLFSON:
More than any other change, allowing a freedom to divorce and respecting people's choice were major departures from the "tradition," the conception, the history of marriage, and from some people's view of "God's law." More than any other change, divorce clearly does have an impact on families and kids, as necessary and proper as divorce often is. But it's because most Americans have come to understand that divorce can indeed often be the right, if regrettable, choice, and because most Americans understand that the decision to divorce should be made by the couples involved rather than the politicians, that we don't see Senator Santorum, Governor Romney, or the White House pushing a constitutional amendment on divorce.
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WHERE YOU CAN GO TO GET INVOLVED OR LEARN MORE:
Custody/Visitation Resources from Human Rights Campaign
The Human Rights Campaign offers state by state information on custody laws along with various other resources to help protect children and their parents as relationships break up.
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LEGISLATIVE STATUS AFFECTING GAY AND LESBIAN COUPLES SPLITTING UP IN THE U.S.:
No federal protections currently exist for same-sex couples and their children.
Each state has their own laws, and often times dealing with same-sex couples separating sets a precedent in state law, making apparent the void of protections that exists because of discrimination in marriage.
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THE NUMBERS: POLLING & STATISTICS:
Holland divorce rate comparable among gays and non-gays
Government data in the Netherlands shows gay divorce rates are about the same as heterosexual rates proving gay relationships are no different than non-gay relationships. In addition, the Dutch view marriage controversies in the US with bemusement.
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PUBLICATIONS:
Separation, Divorce, and Marriage Equality
A good resource detailing the basics of divorce and separation for gay and lesbian couples.
Protecting Families: Standard for Child Custody in Same-Sex Relationships
From GLAD, this publication puts vital information in the hands of families not defined solely by biology, adoption, or marriage who are at risk by a legal system that does not provide a mechanism for protecting their relationships at times of crisis. The recommendations and practical tools help parents maintain the relationships with their children at times of crisis or breakup.
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NEWS:
The Joy of Marriage Was Ours, for a While
Torie Osborn writes how getting married to her former partner in San Francisco changed her personal ideas about the importance of the freedom to marry: “The astonishing outpouring of support from our straight friends taught me a profound lesson: getting married is a rite of passage into a wide circle of shared humanity. With a real wedding — not a commitment ceremony, not a domestic partnership registry — we were initiated into a crowded circle of people who automatically affirmed our very beings. It was a club we never even knew existed until we joined.”
Gay couples having trouble obtaining divorces
Gay couples had to struggle mightily to win the right to marry or form civil unions in certain states. Now, some are finding that breaking up is hard to do, too.
Same-sex breakup perplexes courts
A lesbian married in Massachusetts has filed for an annulment from her partner in a Missouri court, creating a legal challenge in a state that has an anti-gay constitutional amendment. Increasingly, such cases are popping up in courts across the country, and as they do, will turn public sentiment against the “gay exception” in both marriage and divorce. “I think people in Missouri are fair, and the more they learn and hear about real couples like this and ask themselves, do they really hate gay relationships so much that they won’t let gay people out of them?” Evan Wolfson said.
Are Gay Relationships Different?
Ending the exclusion of same-sex couples from marriage would probably help prolong gay relationships, if only because of the financial and legal benefits married couples enjoy.
BLOG: Divorce is an unavoidable aspect of marriage law
Opponents of marriage equality point to their break-ups as proof that there can be no "sanctity" in a same-sex union. As a divorced man, I see the opposite. To me, these high-profile break-ups help prove that same-sex couples are just as capable of dreaming and failing as are so many of the rest of us.
Divorcing gay couples create new legal issues
Gay and lesbian couples in the United States cannot marry anywhere except MA, but many states that legally recognize same-sex couples now send them to divorce court if they break up. The legal questions are new because there was never such disconnect between states and the federal marriage laws until VT instituted civil unions in 2000, and only 113 of those unions have been dissolved.
Prenuptual agreements... just in case there's a gay divorce
Lawyers in Massachusetts are facing completely new issues about how to deal with married couples under federal law--the rules are different depending on whether they are same-sex or opposite sex.
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The Human Rights Campaign offers state by state information on custody laws along with various other resources to help protect children and their parents as relationships break up.
From GLAD, this publication puts vital information in the hands of families not defined solely by biology, adoption, or marriage who are at risk by a legal system that does not provide a mechanism for protecting their relationships at times of crisis. The recommendations and practical tools help parents maintain the relationships with their children at times of crisis or breakup. (pdf link)
A good resource detailing the basics of divorce and separation for gay and lesbian couples. (pdf)
